Day two.

Thing I can’t do:

  1. Trust myself.
  2. Answer to myself.

I’m not going to treat this page like a formula. Time and time again, I get these big ideas that I want so badly to put out into the universe. I’ll spend days drawing up my plan and my purpose, and spend any extra brainpower daydreaming about the end result.

Big dreams are great. The problem is being so focused on the ‘big’, complete part that your baby steps – the most important ones, I’d argue – are never as grand as the steps you’ve already taken in your mind. As a result, you’re dissatisfied and full of self-doubt and Imposter Syndrome and you just…quit.

Consistency is one of the hardest things for me, and it’s mostly due to my fear of never living up to the dreams in my head. The second hardest thing for me is trusting myself – because, again, what happens if I trust myself when I say “I can do this,” and still come up short? Could I live through that?

How I’ve Spent Day (or Night) Two:

Allowed myself to be vulnerable.

This included being honest with colleagues and friends about my current career situation. By the way, it was not at all difficult to open up and be like, ” Oh, I don’t work there anymore.”

No, the hardest part was being real when people asked, “So what kind of work are you looking for now?”

My answer? “Well, I think I need this week or two to figure that out.” I’m sure I said it gracefully enough, but that shit was hard.

I think I’ve spent so much time keeping my mouth shut for fear of saying the wrong thing (or saying something I’m afraid I can’t live up to) that my desires – work-related and otherwise – aren’t even fully formed to myself anymore.

So I’ma give myself time, or whatever. Preferably with an affogato and a creative (if slightly hipster and/or insufferable) atmosphere. There’s really no better place to be “in between jobs” (or as I like to say, “on vacation”) than Los Angeles. Truly.

 

 

 

 

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3 Comments Add yours

  1. “Consistency is one of the hardest things for me, and it’s mostly due to my fear of never living up to the dreams in my head. The second hardest thing for me is trusting myself – because, again, what happens if I trust myself when I say “I can do this,” and still come up short? Could I live through that?”

    Dude, this is so relatable. I don’t want to insult you by implying that we are alike, but these words definitely resonate with me. The idea is perfect, but once I start to make it real, the perfection falls away and I lose interest. The thing is, in my moments of clarity, I know that “imperfect and real” is actually way cooler than “perfect but imaginary.” If I can just learn to accept that I think I’ll start to improve.

    As for trusting/telling myself I can do [whatever], I’m trying to develop a growth mindset. So even if I don’t “do it” maybe I can do better than before, and that could be my definition of success. Because as long as progress is being made, I’ll eventually get somewhere.

    I don’t know if my musings are helpful. Truth is I’m floundering pretty hard. I just recognized thoughts that I’ve had and thought I could share the counter-thoughts that (sometimes) comfort me. Please let me know if you come up with an better ones.

    In the meantime, you sound brave. Congratulations on being the kind of person with the courage to make a change like that. I look forward to seeing you succeed!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. You comment is actually really, really comforting. I’ll do my best to update on this journey, for sure!

      Liked by 1 person

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